rangerdanger
02-24-2003, 12:36 AM
NO. 128 "Expect the Ironic" FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003 *
PRES. BUSH
UNDETERRED
BY PROTESTS
"I'm still going to wear fur," he says.
*
WORLD NEWS
"Regime Change" Already Working
In England.
Military Buildup in Gulf Reaches Readiness Level
More Hummers in Kuwait than all of Beverly Hills.
Turkey Stands Ready to Join
Crusade Against Evil
If the price is right.
Bush: Iraq a Lesson to U.S. Foes
If you attack us, we will strike back at somebody else with overwhelming force.
U. S. NEWS
Bad News: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard
Good news: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard.
Latest Poll: Those Who Supported
War Now Having Doubts
Those who had doubts now favor it.
Gas Prices Soar Beyond
Two Dollars a Gallon
But Americans refuse to panic, carpool.
*
*REMINDER
* * The first casualty of war is
* * regular programming.
*
Some Budget Provisions Questioned
Particularly the allocation of $1 billion for rose-colored glasses.
U.S. Planning New Generation of Smaller, Lower-Yield Nuclear Weapons
Designed for today's on-the-go lifestyle.
*
ALSO IN THE NEWS
U.S. Military to Install Yet Unnamed Civilian to Rule Iraq After War
Will announce winner on "Who Wants to Rule Iraq" on ABC.
PAGE TWO – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003
PEOPLE
Obnoxious Dell 'Dude' Guy Arrested
Former star of annoying commercials charged with aiding terrorists; will go before a military tribunal.
*
*
ENTERTAINMENT
Disney Loses Another Round in Winnie the Pooh Case
"It's 11 o'clock," says CEO Michael Eisner, "time for a little jury tampering."
*
MEDIA
Study Finds Quality of Local News Much Higher on Independent Stations
But viewers ill-informed about fabulous network entertainment shows.
Liberal Talk Radio Network
In the Works
Lineup of shows so far: "Dukakis in the Morning," "The Franken Factor," "The Noam Chomsky Zone," and "The Big Scoop, With Ben and Jerry."
Robert Blake Interview With Barbara Walters A Coup for ABC
He asks her tough questions about her marriages.
*
SCIENCE
NASA: Mars Has Water
White House quickly moves to weaken Martian environmental laws.
*
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Accreditation Panel: Medical Residents May Work 30-Hour Shifts
As long as they take a five-minute break between shifts.
In Next 27 Years Americans
65 and Older to Double From
Current 35 Million
That's 70 million people driving with their turn signals always on.
*
PAGE THREE – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003
ENVIRONMENT
Yellowstone Facing Overpopulation
Of Snowmobilers
Some may have to be shot or poisoned.
SPORTS
Yanks Purchase Red Sox,
Take Their Top Stars
Leave a core unit of "truly horrible players."
NBA Trade Deadline Passes
With Flurry of Activity
Head cases, underachievers, disgruntled prima donnas exchanged for each other.
New People Brought in to Run
U.S. Olympic Committee
They promise not to take as many bribes.
MERCHANDISING
Best-Selling Toys
1. Lego Underground Bunker
2. Nerf Smart Bomb
3. Tickle Me Jacko
4. Extra Busty Barbie
5. The Gnat Farm
This Week's Question: Should the United States invade Iraq?
Jesus: No. And for a so-called born-again Christian to do so is personally embarrassing to me. I'm thinking of suing.
Allah: No, but if they do invade it'll be an eye for an eye. Bush could end up wearing a patch and looking like the Hathaway man - remember him?
Yahweh: Yes. The whole operation will take maybe a week or two, and then we can get back to watching sports.
Buddha: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.
Ra: This is really a better question for the God of War, but I'll take a swing at it. No, they shouldn't invade unless there is a legitimate reason. And certainly not without the rest of the world's support. Any knucklehead knows that.
(Edited by rangerdanger at 12:40 am on Feb. 24, 2003)
(Edited by rangerdanger at 12:45 am on Feb. 24, 2003)
PRES. BUSH
UNDETERRED
BY PROTESTS
"I'm still going to wear fur," he says.
*
WORLD NEWS
"Regime Change" Already Working
In England.
Military Buildup in Gulf Reaches Readiness Level
More Hummers in Kuwait than all of Beverly Hills.
Turkey Stands Ready to Join
Crusade Against Evil
If the price is right.
Bush: Iraq a Lesson to U.S. Foes
If you attack us, we will strike back at somebody else with overwhelming force.
U. S. NEWS
Bad News: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard
Good news: Washington D.C. Paralyzed by Blizzard.
Latest Poll: Those Who Supported
War Now Having Doubts
Those who had doubts now favor it.
Gas Prices Soar Beyond
Two Dollars a Gallon
But Americans refuse to panic, carpool.
*
*REMINDER
* * The first casualty of war is
* * regular programming.
*
Some Budget Provisions Questioned
Particularly the allocation of $1 billion for rose-colored glasses.
U.S. Planning New Generation of Smaller, Lower-Yield Nuclear Weapons
Designed for today's on-the-go lifestyle.
*
ALSO IN THE NEWS
U.S. Military to Install Yet Unnamed Civilian to Rule Iraq After War
Will announce winner on "Who Wants to Rule Iraq" on ABC.
PAGE TWO – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003
PEOPLE
Obnoxious Dell 'Dude' Guy Arrested
Former star of annoying commercials charged with aiding terrorists; will go before a military tribunal.
*
*
ENTERTAINMENT
Disney Loses Another Round in Winnie the Pooh Case
"It's 11 o'clock," says CEO Michael Eisner, "time for a little jury tampering."
*
MEDIA
Study Finds Quality of Local News Much Higher on Independent Stations
But viewers ill-informed about fabulous network entertainment shows.
Liberal Talk Radio Network
In the Works
Lineup of shows so far: "Dukakis in the Morning," "The Franken Factor," "The Noam Chomsky Zone," and "The Big Scoop, With Ben and Jerry."
Robert Blake Interview With Barbara Walters A Coup for ABC
He asks her tough questions about her marriages.
*
SCIENCE
NASA: Mars Has Water
White House quickly moves to weaken Martian environmental laws.
*
HEALTH / MEDICINE
Accreditation Panel: Medical Residents May Work 30-Hour Shifts
As long as they take a five-minute break between shifts.
In Next 27 Years Americans
65 and Older to Double From
Current 35 Million
That's 70 million people driving with their turn signals always on.
*
PAGE THREE – FEB 24 -MAR 2, 2003
ENVIRONMENT
Yellowstone Facing Overpopulation
Of Snowmobilers
Some may have to be shot or poisoned.
SPORTS
Yanks Purchase Red Sox,
Take Their Top Stars
Leave a core unit of "truly horrible players."
NBA Trade Deadline Passes
With Flurry of Activity
Head cases, underachievers, disgruntled prima donnas exchanged for each other.
New People Brought in to Run
U.S. Olympic Committee
They promise not to take as many bribes.
MERCHANDISING
Best-Selling Toys
1. Lego Underground Bunker
2. Nerf Smart Bomb
3. Tickle Me Jacko
4. Extra Busty Barbie
5. The Gnat Farm
This Week's Question: Should the United States invade Iraq?
Jesus: No. And for a so-called born-again Christian to do so is personally embarrassing to me. I'm thinking of suing.
Allah: No, but if they do invade it'll be an eye for an eye. Bush could end up wearing a patch and looking like the Hathaway man - remember him?
Yahweh: Yes. The whole operation will take maybe a week or two, and then we can get back to watching sports.
Buddha: Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.
Ra: This is really a better question for the God of War, but I'll take a swing at it. No, they shouldn't invade unless there is a legitimate reason. And certainly not without the rest of the world's support. Any knucklehead knows that.
(Edited by rangerdanger at 12:40 am on Feb. 24, 2003)
(Edited by rangerdanger at 12:45 am on Feb. 24, 2003)